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A Subud Members' Experience in the Catholic Church By Anonymous Growing up as a Protestant kid, my first ‘Catholic experience’ was while reading a story about Mary, Mother of Jesus, in a child’s book at our neighbor’s house. I felt intrigued and comforted by her and wondered what that was all about. I grew up going to the Episcopal Church with my family every Sunday, singing in the choir, being in the youth group and being confirmed at the age of 13. At the moment of Confirmation I felt a blessing as the Bishop placed his hands on my head. In retrospect it seemed to wake me from a kind of sleep. About ten (tumultuous) years later I was officially opened in Subud in San Francisco in 1968 (unofficially in 1967 while sitting outside the latihan). As my unofficial opening was stronger than my official one I was confused about the gifts of the latihan and continued exploring all manner of spiritual paths - first living at the S.F. Zen Center as a student and spending time at their Tassajara retreat center. One day when I was on my way to my work shift in the kitchen, I was standing by the flowing stream that runs through the property thinking about requesting to stay there as a more serious student of the Roshi. I heard a voice speaking so gently and clearly, saying something like, “This is all very nice, but in this life you’re to get married and have children and live a normal life”. I was surprised, but I felt the truth of those words and immediately made plans to leave. (I now believe it was Jesus speaking to me). In the ensuing year and a half my whole life changed completely from a total hippy lifestyle to a straight living young woman with a toddler in a very active (and wonderful) Subud group. So I’ve been doing the latihan regularly ever since and have attended Bapak congresses whenever possible. Some years ago I had a ‘Bapak dream’. I was in Cilandak, and it seemed as though I’d been living there. I was packing my things to leave and Bapak was there and smiling at me. I felt as if I was being sent somewhere, but I wasn’t sad and didn’t feel I was losing my closeness to him or to Subud. I don’t remember how the timing coincided with my getting more serious about the Catholic Church, but I had been attending Mass on Sundays since 1976, yet didn’t have any intention to take the required classes and officially join. I also continued doing the latihan with our local group once or twice a week. Starting around 1987 I began having brief ‘conversations’ with Bapak’s photo in our dining room. I thought maybe I going a little crazy but it continued happening at random times. In the early 90s we moved to another state and soon after I experienced having conversations with angels. One night I sensed a different presence and I asked “Who is this?” The male voice began giving me various titles; The Nazarene, Son of Man, Messiah, etc., and I experienced a bit of panic, like now I’m really in for it - it’s Him!! And so He (Jesus), began to talk with me, giving advice and consoling me in my life’s difficulties. I began to have strong experiences during the Catholic masses at the local church. One time as I was standing in back of the packed assembly and I was so consumed by a blissful state I could barely stand up and had to hold onto the door. I would always leave feeling tremendously uplifted and blessed after each receiving of Communion. But I felt that Subud was my spiritual path and didn’t think I could agree with all the teachings of the Church, so I didn’t plan to be confirmed as a Catholic. About five years later I decided that these messages from Jesus must be from my imagination so I decided to cut off the communications. Nevertheless, whenever I attended a Subud event where there was a lot of latihan and testing I would come home feeling very open and receptive and once again He would begin to talk to me. And it felt very real and very helpful for whatever was going on in my life at that point. Fast forward to around 2013 after seven years of adventures in New Age spirituality, (I never thought I’d be guilty of the ‘mixing’ that Bapak warned us not to do). I was at Adoration at my church gazing up at the stained glass window of the Virgin Mary over the altar and she began to speak to me. She said something like “we want you to join the church and you’ll have to take the classes; we will help you” All those years of resistance just melted away and I said, “Alright I’ll take the classes”. And the classes were not troublesome, though I had some attitude adjustments to go through, aided by testing after latihan. At one point in this six month process I was having a conversation with both Bapak and Jesus through their photos on top of my bookcase. It went something like: “Bapak, is this really alright to become so involved in the church; you know how I love you and am devoted to the latihan?” And he said something like “Yes, there is no conflict, we work together (and it’s like he was pointing to Jesus who was ‘smiling’ at me.) And he told me I had work to do in the church. So since then I’ve been navigating my way having two life giving spiritual practices. (To be continued) - - - - - Journey to the Catholic Church By Anonymous. (continued) In 1999, I was attending a healing event held on a large, beautifully forested property in southern Vermont. Prior to my time to receive the healing work, I did a short latihan as I was feeling the need of it. I offered a prayer asking God if I could receive my life’s ‘mission’ as I’d been floundering without any clear direction for some time. Soon thereafter I was lying on a small bed in a large tent in the woods, surrounded by new friends who were singing and praying for me. As the woman began my session I experienced myself rising up out of my body into a higher realm that seemed like an enormous, palatial room (though I saw no walls). The diffused light was a lovely pale blue color, and I felt a gentle caressing breeze. Before me I saw a platform with a throne on it, and as I looked I saw an indistinct, changing representation of God the Father sitting on it. I couldn’t actually see a clear face, but at times He appeared to be ancient and grey-haired (like the paintings). I then saw that Jesus was standing on His right (as described in scripture). I was so deeply touched interiorly and felt incredibly blessed and humbled. Though I was awestruck I dared to ask my question, “What is my mission?” I was told, “To gather the lost ones.” I was working with children at the time and so I asked, “And the children?” The response was, “Remind them.” And I stood there in that timeless, blessed moment, not wanting to leave. Then I was drawn downwards, back into my reclining body. I felt dazed and awestruck. (Interestingly, the intent of this ‘work’ was to help me be more embodied - I guess I failed that goal.) After some recovery time from this experience and witnessing other people's sessions, everyone was walking back to the main house for dinner, and I slipped away into the woods. It was heaven on earth with all the birds singing around me and the wood thrush warbling its haunting song. I felt as if angels were all around me and I was so deeply grateful and beyond blissful. Years later I was assured as I sat before Jesus in Adoration that this was not an imagination experience, that it was a genuine gift from God that came because I was open to it and had been sincerely asking for guidance. It was a day in the early 2000’s when there was some kind of special convergence of the planets – a powerful time. I drove south with my husband to a gorgeous State Park along a beautiful river and we walked along the shore of the river for a while. I suddenly became very tired and told him that I needed to lie down. So I cleared an area and lay down on the earth with my husband sitting on the ground next to me. I had my eyes closed and was starting to drift off when I began to see a sphere of light descending from the sky. As I watched it coming closer and closer I could feel a powerful force of love and blessing and I realized it was the Virgin Mary. She was blazing with the most beautiful light and about ten feet above me, emanating the most glorious blessing. I’m embarrassed to say that apparently I wasn’t ready to fully receive it because I said to her “Oh Mother, if I receive you today I won’t be able to keep my appointment in the city tomorrow.” (I get very ‘spacey’ after spiritual experiences). And with that she rose up again the way she’d come and was gone. It’s been hard to understand and accept that I did that. Nevertheless, I received something of her gift for me because I struggled to function the next day and felt deeply blessed in spite of my rejection of all that she was offering. Some years ago before becoming a Catholic I was attending an Episcopal Church in my town. It was Holy Thursday, which commemorates the Lord’s Supper and Jesus’s first offering of the bread and the wine as His Body and Blood. I had been reading a book of the mystical visions of a German nun who lived in the early 1800’s where she described the giving of the first Communion at the Lord’s Supper. “He (Jesus) prayed and taught; his words came forth from his lips like fire and light and entered into each of the Apostles. He took the pieces of bread and said “Take and eat; this is my body which is given for you”. He stretched forth his right hand as if to bless and whilst he did so a brilliant light came from him, his words were luminous, the bread entered the mouths of the Apostles as a brilliant substance and light seemed to penetrate and surround them all.” Sitting in the pew I asked God for whatever He had for me that night. There were two ministers serving communion to the parishioners as we knelt at the rail. As I received the Host in my hand a blazing bolt of white light shot into my hand from above and I was rocked backwards. The Host in my hand was more than I could handle, and I was stretching as far back from it as I could wondering how I could possibly put it into my mouth. Then I saw the second minister coming down the line of people with the cup of wine and knew I had to consume the Host. I was able to put it in my mouth but I knew I wasn’t able to receive all the grace that was in it. I was able to receive the wine and stood to return to my seat but could barely walk as my legs were very weak and felt like rubber. Back in the pew I knelt and began crying audibly, shaking with loud sobs over which I had no control. I have attended a Charismatic Catholic healing retreat every year since being confirmed. The second year I went I had an extraordinary life- changing experience. I was sitting in quiet contemplation in the small Adoration Chapel. (Adoration is when the priest consecrates the Host - the bread - and places it within a sacramental vessel called a monstrance which is an ornate golden colored metal stand.) To sit in the prayerful quiet before it is like sitting before Jesus and it feels like being irradiated by His love and His Presence. After sitting in a quiet state for a while I gradually became the only one left in the Chapel. Suddenly, it was as if the ceiling had completely disappeared and the whole room was flooded with a powerful, brilliant light from Heaven. It was pouring down on me, filling me with grace and bliss and I heard Jesus’s voice saying, “Will you kneel before Me?” I immediately knelt down close to the altar and He continued to talk to me as I cried uncontrollably, feeling my heart broken open with love for Him. I told Him that I would devote my life to Him, that I had tried everything else (many spiritual paths) and where else would I go, Lord? He asked me to speak of my errors and sufferings, and that flowed on for quite a while. He told me I must forgive myself and I asked Him to heal my heart, mind and spirit. He assured me that I was to continue with Subud and the Latihan - that it was so needed in this world. I sat in ‘conversation’ with our Lord for a good while and gradually the intense light dissipated, the ceiling returned above me and I was able to drive home feeling intensely renewed and re-purposed. My life has not been quite the same since. - - - - - |
Plane Crash By Seraphina Manferrari One afternoon I suddenly felt the need to lie down, so I went upstairs to my room and the following happened. All of a sudden I felt a very strong physical vibration that started running from my feet, up my body and into my head. The vibration permeated my whole body and as this was happening I was aware that I was on a plane and could hear the screech of wheels on a landing strip, then my head exploded and I experienced a death. There was a repeat of the whole experience traveling the same path from my feet up into my brain at which point I heard the word surrender, I think about three times and again, the resulting death. I still don’t know the meaning of this experience and of course I could assume I was experiencing my own death aboard a plane, but it could also mean death of some part of my consciousness, who knows. That said, I have to admit that whenever I have travelled by plane I have sat quietly before take off, just in case! - - - - - A Poem in Celebration of being Named By Seraphina Manferrari I wrote this poem fairly recently, and the meaning only really became clear after I realised it wasn't just about me. It is for refugees, the homeless, those who are lonely, those who become mere statistics, those who feel they are not acknowledged. I was christened Mary after some maiden aunt, and looking back I never really felt comfortable with my name It was as if it belonged to someone else - which it did. When I joined Subud in the 1970's I was given the name Raphaela, so I thought the name would carry me through the rest of my life. Then, one evening in Latihan I had what I can only describe as an angelic encounter. A couple of weeks later the name Seraphina popped into my Latihan and I instinctively knew that it was a new name. Both experiences overwhelmed me, and although I knew it was a genuine experience I wrote to Ibu Rahayu for confirmation. I later had another name that popped into Latihan but as yet don't why. I am just aware that it is significant and that one day I will understand. It wasn't until a few years later that I felt able to accept Seraphina as I felt I wasn't deserving of such a lovely name. When I finally became Seraphina I ended up going through a crisis and experienced some very dark times, having to take a long hard look at myself and at my failings and ending up with PTSD. It sounds awful and it was, but it was the best thing that could have happened because I started waking up. I know that not everyone feels the need to change their name and it is a very individual thing, but for myself my name is like inner scaffolding; it props me up and when I am not in a good place if I call my name it can help me remember who I am. This is a simple poem about not being acknowledged. . I wrote it in relation to my own experiences but the feeling expanded to the many people whose names are lost in the milieu of modern life and never validated or acknowledged, whether received or not. ANONYMOUS Say my name even if it costs you dear call me by my name don't hide it under a stone. don't call me other names in order to define, silence or shame me. say my name don't leave it on ice I can take it don't trouble me to explain. lest you should forget remember to call me by my name. - - - - - Going with the Flow By Anonymous At the time of filling in applicant forms to join Subud, my husband and I were a reasonably prosperous, upwardly mobile, childless couple with career prospects. Within three years of being opened, with the material forces which had once been master seemingly stripped away and put in their rightful place by the Latihan, we were reduced to extreme poverty. The Latihan seemed to just take hold of our lives and shake us until we stopped steering the ship and drifted the way we should. Was the poverty like a log jam on the river of life? I don't think so; it taught me to trust. I was 'powerless' for some years-couldn't even be the tidy person I was raised to be. For a time we couldn't bear the smell of meat, and we seemed to take it in turns to feel helpless. Usually one of us could work to pay the rent and keep food on the table. Sometimes we both worked, but it was hard to cope with the outside world. The Latihan can be so transforming that I wonder how anybody would manage without a group and helpers for support and encouragement. At times I felt like a prawn without a skin and my husband said that at work, he sometimes had to run into the loo and cry. I remember for a time I was a cleaner at a nursing home and my husband was sweeping out a butcher shop and delivering groceries. It seemed fitting so we must have needed humbling. We accepted all of this without question and our families looking on and hearing that we now had exotic names, were disapproving. I was disinherited. My husband's family, who were very proud of their lineage, blamed me for our seemingly bohemian disarray. There were experienced helpers to explain purification and I remember we used that word often. Bapak's talks in the Pewarta were a comfort, though it took a few years to understand them. As we understood it, we were just to 'Let go and let God.' So we were learning to flow with the current and our basic needs were taken care of. At this time, I became aware of distant Scottish ancestors who had been poor and starving and I received two things which felt relevant to the situation. "History longs to repeat itself" and "When wants and needs are one, there is no suffering." Years later I read that old Ibu Siti Sumari had said words to the effect that we have as much free will as a violin in a closed violin case, but what we do have a choice about, is how we react to what comes our way. Carl Jung also said something similar. Then along came Subud Enterprises and this fired up the entrepreneurial spirit in some, who expected the brothers and sisters in their Subud group to rally around and work for them. My husband became involved in one enterprise, worked very hard, then was paid in paper lanterns instead of money! That was the memorable day when all we had left was five cents and a chunk of cheese. It was on that day that I received "You should eat off silver." This extraordinary pronouncement came just as, determined to survive as my poor ancestors must have done, I marched off to the local greengrocer and told him that I was going to the zoo and asked for a lettuce for the elephants. I returned home triumphantly with plenty of greens and we laughed until we cried. That seemed to be rock bottom and there was only one way left to go, which was up. Things suddenly changed, and we were able to have a normal monetary situation again. Poverty had been experienced, we had survived and perhaps passed a test. I don't know. All I know is that from that point on, as far as money was concerned, we were allowed to live a normal life, though not a prosperous one. We changed countries and when we arrived at our destination, a small padded parcel arrived for me care of our local Subud group. Hanging out of the bottom of it, was a valuable sterling silver spoon with a European hallmark accompanied by a friendly letter. The sender did not know about the ‘eating off silver’ receiving, but had just followed his feelings and sent it. The fact that nobody stole it shows the protection it had and it was used at Bapak's table soon after. Over time, silver came to me from several quarters. How fortunate we were to have done Ramadhan in Cilandak with Bapak there and how blessed to have even been with such a high soul at all. By the time Bapak died, I was just starting to wake up as though from a long sleep. I was aware of this at his grave after the funeral. Many years ago Bapak's grandson said to me "God gave you something to see what you would do with it." I do remember something descending on me in 1966. The opening in Subud happened four years later. In the interim, people started coming and telling me about their lives and although I listened, I didn't understand at all what was happening. After receiving the Latihan for many years with people still needing to come and talk, I became a therapist. Apart from clients, people still come these days as though they are told to and it seems that they just need to be near for a while and then go. We have a cuppa together. Clearly it's the Latihan they wish to be near, but there is no willingness to join Subud. One Papuan lady said that when she drives by my house, there is a golden glow over it. She also feels something strong when she passes the Subud hall but won't join. Ah well, God knows best. My husband is long dead and I'm still following the breadcrumbs of synchronicity and going with the flow. Sometimes that means swimming in the miraculous, mostly though it means living in stillness and waiting for the next move to make itself known. The lockdown of 2020 hardly disturbed my life because it is my default position. These days, the Latihan does me when and where it is meant to - usually alone and always when I take a shower. It often gets me up around 3am when all is quiet and, with Bapak’s gambang CD playing in the background, with gratitude I receive this Grace from Almighty God. I remember Bapak recommending being set up in old age so that one can sit and receive. It' s easier in old age; we really don't need the three Ps --possessions, portfolios and property-- we need peace and, by the Grace of God, health. I should add here that although I live simply, every day I eat off silver as I was told to so long ago. Some things are not for questioning but for doing. - - - - - |