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In the World but Not Of It
By Anonymous I once read a talk that Bapak gave, in which he said that the Latihan isn't just for us but for all of mankind. (I paraphrase.) This morning, I woke up being 'reminded' that the Latihan is in my voice. Perhaps this applies to all of us? It's the reason that long ago, I trained as a radio presenter. Yesterday there was a phone call from a very sensitive non-Subud lady who lives in another part of the country. She occasionally phones me and I confess that I was slow to realise that when she phones, it isn't meant to be just an ordinary conversation because she'svery silent and wants to listen rather than talk. When I was in business, on two occasions a client came into the office to meet "The owner of the voice" and a work colleague at a nearby desk who could hear me talking to clients on the phone once said "If ever I feel like jumping off a bridge I'll phone you and be soothed out of it." This is the proof of what Bapak was telling us when he talked about the Subud violinist who could open an audience just by playing. I would love to hear about others who experience how people in the world warm their hands at our fire. I once received, "You only have to pass their way." Because of that receiving, I firmly believe that this vibration which permeates all of us who receive the Latihan, is radiating -- whether we are aware of it or not-- out to others by being near them and through our interactions with them. Also, it could be through our cooking, the items we make by hand, our massage, writing, painting, photography and much more. Therefore, it is surely good when we use public transport and it probably is important that we mix with a cross section of society rather than only with Subud people. Late in life I was guided to become a therapist and to teach art classes to people with disability and to seniors. Living in the world, but not of it. As I write these words, I'm reminded that in 1970, before I was opened, there was an airline advertisement on TV showing an air hostess with a napkin over her arm saying, "We invite you to sample air craft." Each time the actress said these words, a wonderful feeling came over me and I would really look forward to hearing that ad again. After I was opened, guess who I saw at group Latihan? That same 'air hostess'! - - - - - Turning Back to God By Sebastian Paemen I remember Bapak saying that if we want God to help us we need to reach out to Him and ask. I very much believe in this as I have seen it happen several times. There is also a saying by the Prophet Muhammad in which he states that God is likely to answer the prayers of a mother for her children. I have two family members who when in their early twenties were leading an unhealthy lifestyle, involving drugs. (There is an age and time gap between the two stories of about 25 years.) These young men were depressed and thoroughly unhappy. Both went through a phase when they felt that they had reached the end. Each started to pray for help, something they hadn’t done before. (In both cases the mothers and other family members had prayed a lot for them too.) Not long afterwards the oldest encountered some members of a Christian movement at their stall at the town’s main square. They were ‘out reaching’, trying to convert people to their version of Christianity. He went along with it, converted and became a dedicated member of this church. In no time his life had changed. He found a job, started studying in the evening, got married, had children, bought a house, and, above all, he was so much happier. Within a few years time his life had completely changed for the better. There were many stories like this about people with similar experiences in this movement. The same is true of groups like Pentecostals, Mormons, etc., and also of people who convert to Islam or other religions. I have met some of these Muslim converts, their stories are similar to those of the Christians. About 25 years later, the other family member was guided towards the Subud latihan. He became a dedicated Subud member and his life improved dramatically too. Then there’s the story of a young waiter who works in one of my favourite Turkish restaurants here in Oxford. A handsome fellow, I'd noticed the mature and courteous way he was dealing with two giggling Pakistani girls who were flirting with him. (A sweet thing to watch, it reminded me of when I was young.) We started talking and he told me the story of his life. Coming from a pious Muslim family, he'd gone off the rails as a teenager, became an atheist, started drinking, got into drugs and had been involved with the police. Eventually he'd moved to the UK where he got married to an Irish woman. He wasn't happy with his life though and felt unfulfilled. Three years ago he woke up around suhur time, just before dawn during Ramadan, after another night of drinking. He hadn't observed Ramadan since he was a boy. Unexpectedly he felt really bad about himself and he heard this voice inside him saying, 'Why are you drinking and sleeping, it's the Holy month of Ramadan?' He started to weep and realised how unhappy he was. That day he returned to Islam and started to do Ramadan. He said it was a strange experience, it felt as if he didn't have a choice, something had pulled him back to his religion. He had to give up his marriage, as his wife and her - heavy drinking- family wouldn't accept him not drinking anymore, and on the whole rejected his return to Islam. At the age of 30 he is so much happier with his life now. He loves doing his prayers, reading the Qur'an, and the works of Muslim saints, and he is saving money for his elderly parents in Turkey to go on the hajj. He smiled when he said, 'I had forgotten Allah, but he hadn't forgotten me.' - - - - - Wilfulness vs. Willingness By Anonymous Bapak’s talks have sometimes helped me to better understand my life. Experiences, that I was unable to understand clearly, have sometimes suddenly been verified and comprehended when reading one of his talks. I have had the privilege of reading Varindra’s books with short articles. In one of the articles Varindra quoted Bapak saying: “When you came to Subud there was nothing in you which really could be called Will. But as you practised your latihan, this Will became alive in you and has become stronger. You now have something that you can begin to recognize as Will. So now Bapak says: ‘Use this Will, to the degree that it has grown in you, to stop these practices or habits which you can say you know are holding up your spiritual progress.’ To the extent that you do this, your latihan will improve, and to the extent that you do the latihan, your Will becomes stronger. In this way your Will and latihan will react on one another and strengthen each other. If you leave it entirely to the latihan and deliberately continue bad habits, progress will naturally take a longer time. What you used to call your will before Subud was wilfulness. Now it is willingness.”(From the article ‘A Clean Ash Tray’.) I know myself to be a rather wilful person. When I put my mind to something I want to get it. After some decades in Subud I read Varindra’s article again. A local helper assisted me and we tested what Will meant to me, and afterwards what Willingness meant to me. The first test was a shock. A very strong and overpowering feeling filled me. I saw a huge and totally black being in front of me with long sharp teeth in an open mouth and with fierce yellow eyes like a werewolf. It filled me, and I felt like I had claws on my fingers. It was part of me at the same time as it was outside me, facing me with its frightening open mouth. It was horrible, but it all went away when the test stopped. The other test was quite the opposite. I felt empty. It was peaceful - without any trace of the disturbing power in the first test. Afterwards I wondered what to make of the first test. Was I filled with that monster? Really? Then later I read in Bapak’s Talk 70 Sky 10: “When Almighty God created human beings in this world, they were created in a form completely adapted to this world, so that they could live here. . . . when the material force manifests in a human being, you do not see it like stone or soil inside you . . . In reality, if you ascend and ascend and ascend, you will be able to see those nafsu, you really will be able to see that each of the nafsu has its own nature, its own form and power. . . . If you want to know, before you find it out for yourself, Bapak will tell you this. Perhaps some of you have already found this out. The ammara nafsu has a form that is truly frightening. It is enormous, black, has curly hair and does not look like a normal human being – it is frightening. Its form is human, but its nails are long, its teeth are long and huge. If you were ever to see it, you would never forget it and would be frightened forever. But it is not something that approaches you; it does not come to you from some other place. You were born with it. It is you, yourself. That is why it is the same in the world – anything that exists on the inside exists in the outer world too.” So – yes, the ammara nafsu is part of me. God has equipped us with the ammara nafsu to enable us to exist on this planet. I was born with it. It is me. That’s the kind of Will I recognized in my test. Now, I prefer to call it wilfulness. Bapak's explanation did give me a comprehensive verification of what my test revealed, but more important to me is that I understand there is a separation process to do with ascending. Will the experience in the test help me separating from the material force in me in the future? God only knows. - - - - - An Unexpected Windfall By Robert Mertens More coincidences for me in Mardijah’s second story in the last edition of Reminders of Reality: The person mentioned as doing the National Geographic article must be my friend, Pablo Corral. I met Pablo at the 1993 congress at Amanacer in Columbia. So I am thankful to Rhamdan, as God’s agent in bringing me Pablo. Rhamdan and Mardijah travelled the world before the Sydney congress to personally invite us all to attend. They stayed with us when they came to New York and came to Subud to tell us about the upcoming congress and encourage us to come. Helena and I were rather short of money, at the time and had not thought about going. But after hearing Rhamdan talk, we made the intention to find a way to go. That was on Sunday evening. A day or two later as I went into the company office where I was working, there was a letter on my desk. It was from another company that I had finished freelance work for a couple of years earlier. I had a fee plus royalty agreement with them. I had received fees from them while I was actively developing product (water bedding) for them, but had never received any royalties during the succeeding two years. I was later told by another person who worked for them that their accountant didn’t like paying royalties, but now that the company was being sold, the buyer needed a complete accounting of assets and liabilities. I was on the books as a liability as someone owed royalties. I opened the envelope and must have gasped. The letter was an accounting of royalties, and $75,000 was currently owed me! When we added up all the costs of the Sydney congress plus five days vacation in Hawaii on the way back, the total was about $7,000. So we were unexpectedly paid more than ten times the cost of the congress. I had read Bapak say that if we did something with a good intention to benefit Subud, we might eventually receive, perhaps, ten times, or perhaps even 20 times, what we spent. In the next couple of years we did receive 20 times the cost of attending the Sydney congress. As a postscript: I gave part of that money to a friend who painted the waterbed pattern for me that brought in the bulk of the royalties. He died a couple of years ago and willed his apartment to me. We are finishing the renovation and will possibly net about $200,000 from the sale. - - - - - Being Subud. Experiences and Lessons. By a daughter of the Merciful One Opening Events In the desert of southern Arizona, I found a place to pray at the top of a knoll. "Please, God, show me the way and I will follow it the rest of my life." Immediately, the calm of early evening yielded to a powerful wind that hurried me to the bungalow's safety. It was the summer of age sixteen. Two years later in California, I heard the word, Subud, for the first ime. Immediately, a voice thundered with authority through my being. "This is what you will be the rest of your life." Subud. Whatever it was, I was it. Only one question needed answering by the messenger-person. "How do you spell that?" Probation, as it was called then, began immediately and I was opened shortly after turning nineteen. This year welcomes my sixtieth Subud birthday/anniversary. In reviewing six decades of Subud life, I must own that sometimes my behavior was childish, rebellious, unworthy. But I was never allowed to doubt to Whom I belonged. Such mercy and grace. - - - - - |
Jewels
At a university, silversmithing was pursued as a hobby. I fabricated a ring with a faceted jewel that, while on display there, captured the admiration of many. At another university for graduate work, I wore my ring everywhere. It was summer and I bicycled to the music practice rooms. At a piano, I removed the ring, gazed at it, and placed it out of site in the lowest keys. Practice session concluded, I was on my way home when the ring was remembered. I rushed back to the same room, then searched them all. I had to accept the ring was gone. No other person was around that day. Stunned, I stopped outside. A clear small voice spoke: "It is no longer fitting that you should have this.” (The small voice likes to use a play on words.) The meaning was clear. It is not appropriate for a material thing to be the object of so much attachment. Many modes of receiving, like voices, develop in us over the years. We grow in the latihan and through formal testing. Sometimes a question in the mind is unexpectedly answered. Physical body parts are increasingly alive. Inner feeling, understanding, and interactive lucid dreams are clarified. A guiding flow of energy is a steady and reliable companion. In the first waking moments, it flows--inspired creativity, answers to concerns, "how to" solutions, corrected attitudes.... In time, every part of our being evolves into a living conduit for the Power of God. The most glorious of jewels are these. - - - - - What Bapak Didn't Say "Read Bapak" was a profound receiving in latihan. Not long after beginning this endeavor, Bapak's patient reiterating of explanations was accompanied by increasing quietude and wideness. It was almost a personal latihan with Bapak. On several occasions, a sentence appeared that was completely out of context, specifically addressing a personal issue of mine. Reading on a page or two, I would turn back for a second look, but the sentence didn't exist. I'm quite sure the messages were never part of any talk. Reading Bapak remains a habit. Some of his talks and writings have been read numerous times, and are more meaningful than ever. - - - - - Unexpected Opening: A story of mental illness. My brother was older by twelve years. At age seventy, he had resided in mental institutions over half his life. He was normal in many ways--very intelligent, sense of humor, aware of current events. He had been moved to a geriatric unit 1,500 miles away, which is where I last saw him. While he ate lunch in his room that day, I felt a powerful surge of the latihan vibration. It was directed to my brother who instantly felt the lightning. He stopped eating, looked up, his eyes searching the distant void. I felt his question, "What is this new feeling?" I couldn't respond. Another male was in the room, oblivious and unaffected. A few months later, he passed. When his belongings finally arrived, they revealed a life-long search for any nourishing reality beyond the one he knew. There were boxes of books, some on New Age practices, witchcraft, Egyptology. A turquoise scarab was among his personal items. He would have known that in ancient Egypt it was a symbol of resurrection. There were many books on Christian mysticism. A Rosary, too. Opening a family member of the opposite sex is acceptable in cases of age and/or illness. In my brother's case, it happened without intent. Astonishingly, the vibration felt, compared to my own latihan, was a different frequency. It gives me further cause to reject the notion that it is acceptable or more up-to-date for men and women to practice latihan together. By the grace of God, his search had ended. Perhaps in time, his latihan will lift the male ancestors, bearers of the mental illness from which he suffered. - - - - - Between Here and There I was awakened by an energy lifting me out of my body (still prone) into another state of awareness. A woman approached from above, an ancestor perhaps. Kneeling beside me, she extended her forearms, wrists together. Nothing was physically binding them but she was clearly in bondage. Reaching out with my hand, I placed it on her forearm. Latihan energy rushed from myself to her; then, whoosh, and she swiftly disappeared. Thud. I swiftly returned to my body. - - - - - At the Beach Some brothers and sisters attract many new members. I never felt moved to mention Subud outside familiar circles--until about fifteen years ago. At a women's retreat in New Mexico, a newly opened lady attended who had mentioned her interest in New Age practices. Some months later she passed through my town, famous for its New Age community and magnet for many visitors. Night was approaching and we needed something to do. A group of New Age practitioners was presenting a demonstration of their skills and I suggested we attend. After chastising myself for being an irresponsible helper, off we went. The presentation included an astrologer, a crystals person, and ended with a young man who read auras. Everyone wanted an aura reading, except hopefully invisible me, to whom he now turned his attention. He began, "Your two guides in life are [pause] surrendered." The reading continued based on my life as a Subud person. He finished by asking for my response and a microphone was placed in my hands as slowly I rose to my feet. They now stood on a sandy shore where water was moving out to sea to form a tsunami. Everything in my brain went with it. Then came the tsunami. I could hear the sound of my voice, clear and steady, speaking about Subud, the latihan and specific areas of the reading. It was heard by the New Age community and all present. - - - - - The Flying Squirrel Altogether, I was in England for nearly a year and a half, residing in a small town with a beautiful library. Mostly I used computers located on a mezzanine accessible by an open winding staircase. This particular day, I began my descent from the mezzanine with exuberance when the heel of my shoe caught on the edge of a step. The concrete steps were edged with metal, abrasive, protruding strips. I was now completely airborne, accelerating head first toward the concrete floor below. The velocity jerked my hand from the bannister. I struggled to cross the other arm in front of myself and managed to grasp the rail, hanging on for dear life. Knees automatically folded while my shin bones provided a friction stop on the last few steps. On the main floor, this flying squirrel spectacular was witnessed by about twenty pairs of widened eyes with gaping mouths. In shock, I jumped up and declared, "I'm alright," then ran outside and stopped. I wasn't alright. Something was terribly wrong with my spine. Half a block down the street a coach I needed would soon arrive. But I was frozen, helpless, and clueless. From deep within a quiet voice spoke: "Take a step." As I did so, energy traversed my spine. "Take another ... and another.... “ Each step of faith initiated healing energy. Before long, movements were normal. Duties of the day were accomplished, including long walking distances, arriving home late at night. For weeks, however, flaming shin bones served to remind me of the miracle healing and the need to be more attentive. - - - - - Turn of Events We strolled along the Bosphorus Waterway early one morning. For our first day in Istanbul, we (an older sister companion and I) had been provided a Turkish guide. At the age of sixteen he was well-grown and spoke a little English. On the walkway ahead of us, four young Turkish men lingered in their all night party mode. As we approached, they fell in around us. Our guide whispered, "They say bad things." "Just ignore them and keep walking," I replied, eyes down. We moved on quite a distance when I noticed our guide was missing. Over my shoulder I saw that he had been captured, their hands caressing his body, his face anxious and pale. Suddenly, I was filled with a martial arts presence. Turning on a heel, a fisted arm stretched in front of me; the other came over my head, ending in a rigid claw. My eyes chose the leader. With a cold unblinking stare, I aimed for his throat while making quick strides toward him. When I was only a few feet away, he suddenly raised his hands and stepped back. The three companions did likewise. They sure looked tall up close. With our reclaimed guide I turned and walked away. Feeling normal again I briefly wondered, what would I have done next? - - - - - The Mailbag (A few years later in Arizona) After several most stressful days in a hospital Intensive Care Unit, I was finally moved to a room alone. Only then did I realize that I had lost awareness of having an inner self. It felt like a life that was dead. During a rare lull in hospital staff movement, a man came striding in and handed me a cup. "Drink this," he said and quickly left. In the cup was a perfectly-heated brew. It seemed wonderfully familiar, like a cup of tea. By the time it was consumed, body and soul had reunited. Above me, I saw an upside down mailbag suspended in space. The drawstring closure presented a dangling cord so I reached up and pulled it. Out flowed a river of prayers and blessings. All that had been needed to receive them was a state of readiness. During my stay there, I never doubted being completely in God's care, grateful for the sanctuary of my inner self, offering refuge and strength to endure procedures. - - - - - Coda The latihan is a gift of immeasurable value. Yet, self-will led me into some rocky byways. At various times, I have been homeless, penniless, isolated. Self-interest led me into exhausting, trial-by-fire circumstances. Blessings and guidance, however, remained available. Once upon a time, in a quagmire of my own making, I prayed, "Please don't abandon me now." Flash: "It is not God who abandons man, it is man who abandons God." What transpired over the years eventually and mysteriously revealed significant purposes. I can see now that they formed a matrix for earthly life, without which spiritual growth would have been anemic. From a crucibled matrix comes the gem, inner awakening. Bapak wrote a small booklet for applicants (candidate members) called, The Basis and Aim of Subud. The last sentence shines: "God can make or create something from that which does not exist, and God can put right something that, from the mind's view, cannot possibly be put right." Rightness. Several decades ago a sister shared with me a letter from Sudharto: "The path to rightness leads through wrongness and, as you know, experience is the best teacher." When Bapak was asked how we correct our mistakes of the past he replied, "By doing what is right." Susila, Budhi, and Dharma collectively mean right living in accordance with the will of God. Yes, the latihan is a gift of immeasurable value. Thank you, God, for Your mercy and grace. Welcome, radiance of the Great Life Force. - - - - - |